Ok. I am going to try this once again. In my 30 years of life, if I have learned one thing about myslef (among many things) that I am not proud of, it’s the fact that I always have trouble sticking to something. I am full of energy and zest when I begin something new, but once the novelty wears off, my excitement fizzles and I search for the next new thing, the next big challenge, the next fun adventure which I will obsess over until it joins the rest of my past unfinished ventures. I do not want blogging to be one of them. Because, although I know that I’ve lost my initial enthusiasm for it, I do know that its cathartic effects are right up there, only second to singing. Plus it gives me the cool opportunity to use cool words like “cathartic”=)
Ok since I’ve decided to blog again, I do have to have a subject matter, so to speak, for the day. As usual it would have to be some droning on about stuff going on in my mind. Did I mention blogging is supposed to be cathartic? Well I am in New Jersey right now. I am finding myself in a familiar situation: Staying apart from Leo, getting overwhelmed by the overload of responsibilities, worrying about the possibility of a decline in my health. But wait, there’s more. This time I have Lekha! A whole person, just depending on me completely and absolutely. Now if that doesn’t put a girl in a tizzy, I don’t know what would. I try to put up a brave face but I am terrified inside. I keep imagining what would happen if I were to be disabled or unconscious or God forbid DIE! Lekha would be running around crying in the house, for hours before anyone suspected anything was wrong. I even think, I should put some cookies and stuff at her reach. (Problem with that is currently have to hide all the goodies from her, lest she gives me trouble at dinner time). Well, now that I’ve gotten that out of my head, lets move on to less scary stuff.
My work. Trial balances, chart fields, general ledger – who am I kidding- I’ve always steered clear from numbers. The main reason computers fascinated me was the fact that it seemed like a giant calculator to me in the beginning (consequence of “Addition of two numbers” being the first ever program I learned) . I liked the computers would mean I didn't have to deal with numbers anymore. Now here I am, looking at a bunch of numbers and trying to figure out why the GL won’t balance. The good part is I am kind of comfortable with the coding side of it at least. PeopleSoft is becoming less and less of an enigma to me each day. Oh by the way we just pulled off a patch upgrade last weekend and so far so good. The 12 hr work days and Leo’s whirlwind weekend trip to take care of Lekha while I was away trying to save the world….er…ok save the PeopleSoft upgrade at the client I worked for, did not go in vain.
Life is always a struggle. Or is it? Am I always trying to make lemonade with the lemons life gives me, or am I so obsessed with the lemonade, that I turn a blind eye to the fruit bounty I am offered. I wish I could have been happy with my life as a mom and stay at home wife to the best baby in the world and the sweetest guy on earth. I just had to go and make things difficult for everybody by insisting on getting back to work. Now am I happy? Well, I kind of am. I love that I am doing what I do best. I love that I am doing justice to Lekha. I know she is happy at her daycare and the little time I spend with her in the evenings is quality time. I just wish I didn’t have to sacrifice being with my husband and putting him through the anguish of missing us both. In anycase, it's a choice I made and I'm not regretting it. Just wishing things could for once be easier.
Well I think my one hr is up. I’ll be up from my couch now – boy blogging sure beats paying a therapist. Good to be back after my long hiatus. I’ll be back soon with more of my nonsense.